Olivier Passebecq

I was gifted with a lot of beautiful memories and both of my parents really tried to make a beautiful life for themselves and their family but they struggled… The main man around was my dad. He had been in the army and through war, and people were scared of him. He shouted, criticised and blamed, and reminded us every day that everyone around him was “good at nothing”. He never hugged us. Inside, he was deeply lonely, and he ended up in painful conflict with almost everyone around him.

Sometimes he would get physically violent… Like that one night he was slapping and screaming at my mum, and my two sisters and I tried to protect her. 

There were daily shouting in the house and conflict was mostly dealt with ending with tears and disconnection. To protect myself, I learned to please, to hide, and to escape into anything I could.

The great escape

As soon as I could, I left. I got scouted as a model and travelled around Europe, took a two-month contract in Japan and stayed in Asia for two years. I came back for a few months and then my father died. We hadn’t spoken in years. I didn’t know how to deal with all those unhealed wounds, so I kept on escaping.

I spent most of my twenties in the Far East, promoting parties for a big club in Hong Kong, then working as a photographer, while also living in China, the Philippines, Thailand and South Korea. I loved the people and the teamwork. But work and partying were my big addictions, and they hid the pain underneath it all.

Eventually I burnt out. My relationships rarely lasted more than a few months: I would try to be a nice guy and please as much as I could, then feel resentful and explode. I wanted things to change, but did not really know how.

A new paradigm

Marshall Rosenberg’s book on Nonviolent Communication was a revelation. Everywhere I looked, conflict went one way: one winner, one loser. This book showed me that power with, rather than power over, was possible.

I started therapy, moved back to Europe and began learning NVC. There I met people who showed vulnerability and authenticity, and I found hope. Kathleen McFerran was a big inspiration, and so were men who met conflict in a way my father never did. One of them was Yoram Mosenzon, whom I studied with and assisted for years.

After moving back to Europe, I also went through quite a few health problems. That’s when I became passionate about the Wim Hof Method. For more than a year I focused on learning breathwork and cold water practice, and I trained at the Wim Hof Method centre in Poland. These skills are now part of what I bring to the activities and events I hold with others.

Little by little, I surrounded myself with people with whom every emotion as well as scary thoughts could be named. A lot of healing happened. When my mum died in 2019, I received much-needed support for my grief.

And then… I met my partner at a close friend’s birthday. It wasn’t easy, we both carried baggage, but we didn’t give up. More than six years on, I’m deeply grateful for the security and the beautiful flow of connection we share.

Finding my calling

While assisting an NVC course, I got to know Hans Van Veen. In 2020, after a conversation together, we decided to start an NVC men’s group. That’s where something clicked. Holding space for men, I discovered how much I loved it, and how much it supported the men who came.

From there it grew, and so did my interest. I realised that understanding men better meant understanding myself better, and understanding what my father might have been going through. It became a healing process for me, and one I could share with others: understanding who we are as men, and learning to communicate in ways that are more supportive and impactful in our relationships.

Indigenous cultures also fascinated me, because they showed me how many different ways there are of being a man. That curiosity led me to the Amazon in 2022, where I spent a month deep in the jungle with Waorani, Sapara and Achuar communities.

That next year, my brother-in-law introduced me to Intelligence Relationnelle®, a therapy bringing together the nervous system, IFS and Attachment Theory. The way I went into fight, flight, fawning or freeze finally made sense biologically. I chose to bring this powerful method into my work.

I still get caught at times when something touches tender parts of my story. What has changed is that I have more capacity to pause, find support, care for myself and come back to repair.

The purpose

Through this work, I’ve seen how many men were taught to work things out alone. They struggle to ask for help, and often their partner ends up feeling helpless. Shame won’t change that. You don’t shame someone into a better person.

Rumi wrote that the wound is the place where the light enters. I know what it feels like to be a son in pain, and I saw what a father in pain looks like. My purpose is to change the story that men are violent and emotionally incapable into one where men ask for help, build awareness and skills, and connect and protect with dignity.

I’ve seen it happen: men who know their emotions, welcome their anger, listen until the end of the words and bring repair.

Today

Today I live in North London, in a lovely house with two wonderful people and a cat. I focus my time on supporting people one to one, hosting my men’s groups, continuing to learn, spending time in nature and travelling whenever I can, including with my partner. I still take on some photography work now and then, because I love variety in what I do and being creative in many ways. I also host The Unfolding with Olivier, a podcast where I follow my curiosity and learn from people I find inspiring.

I will never be able to make peace with my father in this life, as he has passed away. But I’m learning to make peace with myself. For a long time I struggled to understand why he did what he did, and I thought he didn’t love me. Getting to know and understand other men has helped me understand what he might have been through himself, and today I have compassion for him. It keeps being a driving force for me to make a change in the world.

Not power over. Not submission. Power together.

You did not choose what you were taught. But you can choose what you pass on.

If something here speaks to you, I’d love to hear from you.